feat of the holy family

Christmas Day we spent with family. and on this day at the family party, the Hayes Boys provided entertainment for Cousin Claire's first born, Anthony, who is 2 years old, or shall I say Anthony provided entertainment for the Big Boys. Oh ,to see life through the eyes of a 2 year old. Today is the Feast of the Holy Family.. the homilist talked about the role of the family in our lives. "The family is where our dark side has a hard time hiding." Yep, that is true. What hasn't been modeled for me is how to address that dark side in love. So, how to do it? One thing that occurs to me is that we mustn't be afraid of the dark side. I consulted Robbie on this and his wise words: "What can you do?" Pray for one another... St. Benedict has a lot to say on this matter too.... forgive one another, be patient, love one another. No mean feat! In fact, it is the meanest feat! and the most imperative.

December 24th, Christmas Eve, 2008

and the Virgin brought forth a newborn son. THANK GOD!

new life

Open my eyes Lord, help me to see your face. Open my eyes Lord, help me to see. This is a Jesse Manibusan song that we've sung.. at reconciliation services, I think. It is truly a prayer. Sometimes, if I'm at a loss for a prayer I'll invite a song to bubble up and it never fails to come. If I wait either a word or a phrase surfaces or a tune will arrive. Pete just came in and I'm gonna talk about lunch now.... but I recommend trying this method. It works for me. ...

delivery day draws near

It's December 20, 2008! that means only five days til the baby comes. I can't wait! oh, okay, I'll admit it. I'm a sucker for babies. I saw one in Target the other day.. in fact, I've seen a LOT of babies, newborns out with their moms shopping. I am drawn to them like a magnet. So fresh from heaven. I came around the shoulder of the mom holding the newborn to get a look at his face. He was crying with all of his might. He was hungry! Only mom can help with that! So I really saw mostly a gaping mouth and a really red face. His eyes were squeezed shut as if to say "I'm shut down, not available for an encounter with a lady desperate to see a baby, because I'm HUNGRY!" So, okay. I'm thinking of the parable or wise saying of Jesus about readiness. Motherhood teaches one how to be ready. Jesus talked about having oil ready for the lamp. What else did he say? I remember Pete and I, new parents, headed out with our first baby and discovered we didn't have a change of diapers with us! I also discovered that I had to eat well in order to feed the baby! Wow, one had to be conscious! and take action! What do I need to do in order to be ready to welcome the baby on December 25th? I've only got 5 days...

roses in december

There are still roses are one bush out back. They even survived the freezing temps of the past few nights. Pretty durable. Like us human beans. Thinking about the baby born and laid in a manger because he didn't have a safe home. What he had? a mother's love, a father's protection and some people who recognized him as heaven sent. ... the shepherds, the wise men, and I'll include the donkey and the cattle lowing. Some people who caught wind of his arrival recognized him for who he was. But what made him durable? He knew who he was. The son of the most high. Nothing could or would deprive him of that dignity. He knew who he was. Even born in a manger, running with his family to a foreign land to escape Herod. He knew who he was. I participated in an Advent meditation a few wks ago and I heard from one of the gospels the remark that some people recognized Him. The moment I heard that sentence it struck me: how fortunate I feel to be among them. When you look the newborn Christ child in the eye, what do you see?

oral surgery caution

One year and a half ago, Robbie had his wisdom teeth out. At the pre-op appointment I felt ill at ease. The dr. did not instill confidence, although he'd been inpractice for many yrs and had been recommended to us by our dentist. Immediately following the surgery, Robbie felt there was something "not right". He began having swelling slightly forward of the excavated area for the following nine months. Being away at college made it tough to follow up. In May, he saw the dr. again because of another flare up and was given antibiotics and told to keep an eye on it. Over the summer, he had another more severe flare up (swelling, pain) and saw a dentist on Catalina Island. He referred R to an endodontist in Torrance, who did an emergency root canal on the adjacent molar. The infection was extreme. He came home for three days in August and saw another oral surgeon who was confounded even after extra radiographics (more $$$) and scheduled an exploratory surgery for November, when R would be home for Thanksgiving. A gold crown was put on the root canal tooth by a dentist in So Cal. It is Dec. 16th, and I have now the biopsy results from the Nov. 26th surgery. A foreign body (15X8X3mm) was found .. a result of the wisdom tooth extraction, August 2007. It is finished.

hail, hail the gang's almost all here!

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. The boys are coming home! Billy pulled in at noon today. John just finished classes. Tommy's in the neighborhood, so he can come home any time... and Robbie just has two more final exams and he'll be home on Friday, avec Martha! Pete and I have remembered that while they are here, we must not forget to chisel out time for the two of us. They will be having fun together and we will feel like the frat house mom and dad... or the bed and breakfast owners. Hey! We know how to have fun too! So, holding all of these truths in mind... but mostly, just heart overflowing to have them home. They have NO IDEA! That's how God feels about us and I have NO IDEA. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aW6Rp-tQkSc

twinkle twinkle little star

Did you see Jupiter and Venus with the moon last week? WOW! Okay, this is embarassing, but I used to wonder about that star that the shepherds followed to discover the Christ Child. No, seriously, how could anyone follow a star?They all looked the same to me. Last week's celestial show was startling and left me standing with mouth agape. Now that's a star!! So, now I've seen with my very own eyes, that yes, one could follow a star, because sometimes they are exceedingly bright. I am so grateful to have that insight. It is profoundly different to see with ones own eyes what one has heard described by another. How does one know the love of God if one hasn't experienced it? how many people have no experience of an unconditional, always- forgiving love? and therefore can not imagine what love the Father has for us?and of course, even if one has had the experience, how easy is it to forget what is divine? What can one do? I guess I could look at the stars and be reminded of that one that guided the shepherds... what do you do? to stay reminded.

the deep blue sea

Pete and John decided to take a dip in the ocean off Shell Beach at Sea Ranch. It was really cold!So it would be a challenge. They got closer to the water's edge and could see that there was a lot of sea weed. A different challenge! Ewwwwww. They hemmed and hawed for a while. They tried a different point of entry. Not any better. Then they decided to just brave it and took the plunge together. Not willing to give up. I was really proud of them. I like that tenacity... that sets out to do a good thing (?) and then finds a way. Quietly, thoughtfully, determinedly. Dja think God did that? when He decided He'd like to be one of us? and love us?

What time is it? Time to buy a new watch. I set up the nativity scene. One person is missing. I hid Him .. uh oh, where did I hide him? He's not very hidden, in fact. I think he's still in plain sight not far from His crib. The local pastor is discouraging all things Christmas UNTIL Christmas. So, far now, we are celebrating Advent, dadgumit! I have to admit that part of the thrill of Christmas (and I don't want to rob myself of that thrill) is all the preparation and anticipation and expectation leading up to the birth of the Savior. So, by not putting the baby Jesus in the manger YET, I am setting myself up for the thrill of Christmas. There have been a few Christmases where that thrill was earth shattering. I am hoping still to access that profound realization... the miracle. BUT I KNOW WHAT'S COMING! a part of me says. Yea, but maybe there's a new miracle in this Christmas. Maybe I'll pray for that. Which brings me back to the "new watch". I will keep watch and hope to see that He "makes all things new".

it's over for this season

Robbie played water polo for his college this fall. The season is over and his team won its division championship. I have to admit, it is very gratifying to win. That is a fact! At the same time, though, I am just so proud of him and his teammates (and all college athletes) for doing the hard physical work of playing the sport on top of their academic work. I'm hoping that the rewards will also include some protection from future skin cancers.

perpendicular

Not parallel lines, but perpendicular lines. Trying to sort out my sorrow about the loss of David Foster Wallace's life and his significance to us .. when he was with us. Most of us I think lead parallel lives. We assume that we're on the same page and consequently don't intersect so much. Part of that is for loss of words. That was Wallace's genius.. he HAD the words. How do we do justice to our unique and dazzling experiences with words? Is it worthwhile to make the astounding effort to communicate what we perceive and notice when our vocabulary is limited, and our stamina wains, and our audience unresponsive? Maybe it is still worthwhile to write simply for the benefits that result from staking that claim that looks like that point where the horizontal line intersects with the vertical line and on that point exists both something definitive, and something offered a new direction. Does that make sense? I listened to and read from David Foster Wallace. His honesty and his courage and his vulnerability... words can not do justice to the magnitude of the loss of HIM. All you holy men and women, pray for us... (calling on the communion of saints)..to welcome him and to comfort us., and most especially his family and the community of Claremont and Pomona College.

believe

It looks like the Mother of God and her Son are rocking to and fro on the rolling seas. BUT, she says," Don't lose your bearings! " That's a mantra that leapt into my self maybe a year ago when i was losing my bearings due to some conflict that had arisen in an organization of which I am a part. (That sentence was too long. ) Anyway, I like this image slightly off kilter, because it is a visual of how I often feel. It's also an invitation. While life does feel like a ride on a rolling sea, and that is most of the time, I can hearken to this icon of Mary and the Christ holding steady despite the dizzying effects of the rise and fall of the waves. I also hear them saying, "We're not going anywhere but staying right here... for you!" What does this image conjure in you?

the simple life is over

John got his learner's permit on Monday. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. (I'm not ready to let him drive through it, yet! with me in the car, anyway.) While I can see that soon I will be free of the job of chauffeuring our baby and am stunned by that freedom momentarily, I can also feel the frenzy waiting for me to be swept up in. There are so many things I'd like to do! I just hope I can be discerning about what commitments I will make...

what's up?

I'm looking outside my window and up into blue sky. Used to be I took blue skies for granted, but with the fires we've had in northern California this summer, I've seen lots less of them. As often as not, we've had smokey skies. At first, our brains notice haze, milky colored skies and we wonder is that just smog or humidity, some kind of front moving in? and then our noses register the smell of fire or rather of smoke. Is that burnt toast? and then, is there a fire? The fires are far far away but the winds bring the smoke down here to our cities by the bay and we're reminded that nature is doing a clean up job somewhere very dry. I'm reminded of how blowing winds bring things from other places... what other things are blowing my way that I am aware of and what am I missing because my nose doesn't tell me so?

so sad to say a final goodbye

Robbie just called from the ferry from Catalina Island to Long Beach on his way to get a root canal in Torrance... long story. He called to tell me that "remember that professor who gave his final lecture...." We stumbled around a while trying to communicate... oh, yeah. I went to look on -line and then Robbie remembered his name: Pausch? and then I knew why Robbie was calling. I am so sad that Randy Pausch has really left us. He warned us and he left so much of himself behind.. and to those of us in cyberspace, his final lecture too. He was such a generous soul. I pray for peace for his family and for safe travels as he enters eternity. Thank you for sharing your life and your spirit with all of us. It's going to take a bit to say goodbye. I still wasn't ready for you to leave this earth.

traveling with tommy

Hold on! That's what we're trying to do in this picture of the three of us in Paris. It's not easy! Tommy is on the move. Actually, Tommy finally succumbed to the wedding cold that everyone got in Normandy and so our time in Paris we spent trooping around just the two of us while Tommy recovered in his hotel room. We did have a few meals together however and for that we are grateful. We wouldn't have been in France at all except for the fact that Tommy's dear friend, Moyra, got married there, and he served as her witness, and so we were invited. It's all his fault. He brought us in his wake. Thank you, dear Tommy. France, October 2007

billy's convergence quilt

It's been since Christmas since Billy and Terri picked out this fabric and we cut out the convergence quilt. Today, I finally finished it... with "bubbles" quilted all over it, in circles of different sizes, created with the use of juice glasses and bowls of assorted sizes. I chose that lighter blue for the many swimming pools Billy has spent a good % of his lifetime swimming, playing water polo and teaching lessons in. The other spaces: sand, sky, earth, sunsets. If he doesn't put it on his wall, I'll put it on mine... it'll remind me of him and of "group projects". Thanks, friends.

our gammy is 100

She's always been pretty in pink. Irene Viriginia Flynn (nee Smith) was born 100 years ago yesterday on July 10, 1908 in New York City to James and Catherine Smith. She was the eldest daughter in a family of four girls and three boys, I believe. She married Joseph E. Flynn, (USN) and lived on both coasts while raising two daughters, including her faithful and loving daughter, my mother, Patricia J. Flynn. Gammy, as we call her, has been stylish, fun and funny, and gifted in so many ways. I cherish her smile and her laugh, and her humor. My sister Alison resembles her a lot. Happy Birthday Gammy! Whenever I see fuschia lipstick I think of you and smile.

cool thoughts

I just finished reading Nora Gallagher's Practicing Resurrection... where she describes her discernment around her priesthood in the Episcopal Church. Her discoveries along the way, were familiar to me. Feeling called to serve the people of God, wanting to be close to the source of our salvation in the Eucharist, and seeking a deeper way to be in the world. What she discovered was a call to write, that fed both herself and others. The priesthood exacted a cost she could not pay, while being true to her vocation as a writer. She stands now astride the two worlds of priest and lay, conscious of the both/and nature of every baptized person's role as priest. What would it look like if we accepted our call as priests? We could put on our virtual cleric's collar and step out with a sense of purpose for the Savior's sake.

he's gone

We celebrated Billy's graduation from UCSD on Saturday. Those four years went by so fast for us and they are full of experiences and learning and growing for B. Much of it only his to know. One of the most heartening windows into that time for us was in meeting his friends. Clearly, the affection, laughs, and hard work shared by them is what made it all worth while. Billy's friends stayed through the ceremony (in horrific heat) until the bitter end, when all 900 names had been announced. 80% of his class had exited by that point. They stayed for eachother. I am so grateful for the people at UCSD who provided a place to grow, but most especially grateful for his friends and their families. (pictured: Daniel, fellow ME major and fellow grad student, and Billy.) Blessings!

the best time

Father's Day 2008. Pete elected to spend his Father's Day at Pt. Reyes, a spot we can get to in a reasonable amount of time and enjoy. Our youngest son, John, went with us and because it was Father's Day he enjoyed himself, for Pete's sake, truly. We started with mass at the Priory, on our way stopped for food often and when we reached our destination, then hiked at Abbott's Lagoon out to the beach. So much to see! Rabbits, snakes, egrets, blue heron, ladybugs, wildflowers, tadpoles (lunch for the heron), ants, beetles, ... the best part was having John with us. He made it more an adventure, spying things we missed, like the snakes. At 15, the best time to love him is when he's NOT LOOKING. This picture captures (without his looking or knowing about it) our joy in sharing this place with him and sharing him with this place.

build her up

I'm wondering about women in the Catholic Church... as much as there is a begrudging acknowledgement that women are critical to the mission of the Church, it seems that for this Catholic woman, that my presence is more a source of irritation for the male leaders I encounter. What is that about? What is the meaning of what seems to be? (I think I was offered that question when I was at JFK Univ. years ago!) I'm feeling the need to go back to the wigwam and to hang with my sisters and get reminded of my own worth. I'm thrown back, like so many women through the ages, into the TRUTH of my worth and into the most important relationship there is... my own with the Creator. Is it important to stay with the question though: what is the meaning of what seems to be? and what must I do? (I found this pic of the little blue light we lit for Tommy when we were in a small chapel in Bagnoles de L'Orne in Normandy last October.... answered prayer: he has found his path, for now, a job with NRDC.)

remember me

Remember me? I'm the one who... packed up my belongings and said goodbye to my family and drove to the airport and got on a plane and flew to a strange place and was given orders to do my part for the war effort. I was doing "my duty". There IS no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. Today I remember: Sr. Airman Jake Yelner, USAF, Capt. Joseph Flynn, USN, Lt. Col. Robert W. Riegel, USAF , Maj. Jennifer Johnson, USAF, Capt. Roger Johnson, USAF (ret.), Col. Brian Robinson, USAF (ret.), Maj. Robert B. Riegel, USAF. These are the ones I will remember today. I honor their sacrifices and thank God for them. I especially pray for Jake's mother and family, and all of the families who are grieving today for a loved one lost in war.

the month of mary

finding a lost thing

I'm remembering an exact moment when I was little when I'd lost a ring that I had been given. I was devastated. Forlorn and despondent. I kept those feelings to myself, but they were there completely enveloping every cm of my heart. I looked with every ounce of attention and focus I could muster and to no avail. I'm remembering that moment now, why? It did turn up and the joy I felt then could have lifted me off the ground and carried me all the way to heaven. Literally! ( Maybe that's what caused the Ascension and the Assumption!) Anyway, why remember that now? because lost things sometimes are found. St. Anthony, pray for us!

Holy Spirit

When I was little, like third grade, which means eight years old... my mother had me learn how to play the organ so that I could play for the school masses at Immaculate Conception Catholic School in North Little Rock, Arkansas, where we lived for a while. I remember the trepidation I felt when the priest would line up in the back of the church with the altar boys (no girls allowed) getting ready for the procession to start and I would have to put my fingers and feet to the organ to make music and everyone would start singing. Once I started playing, there was no turning back. It truly was an out of body experience. I don't know that I ever threw up, but it would have been reasonable given how I felt. Maybe the Spirit helped through it... maybe my meager music practicing helped. Maybe I should have practiced MORE. This would have been approximately 1965. I love listening to this version.. almost 40 years later. This is worth a listen. Beautiful. http://x.imeem.com/FiLiuZADtN

billy boy

I can not believe it... Billy is gonna graduate from college. And he did it almost all on his own. Billy has been independent from the minute he was born. Existentially, the message I got from B was : Everything is fine, Mom, and if you could just leave me be, we'll all be happy. Low maintenance-boy, that's B. From our lips has often sprung: "Billy is the BEST." And he is,. and not just because he requires v. little from his parents, but because he is so solidly a good person. I'm so glad that this summer he'll be in the Bay Area doing an internship with Lockheed-Martin in Sunnyvale. We'll get to see him! and as He Said in his Mother's Day card, we "can take care of him." I can't wait!

tommy is twenty four

Life is sweet with Tommy. With him, we are always "among friends". Happy Birthday, T!

camper's delight

We're going to miss Robbie!!!!

Robbie is going to work at a camp on Catalina Island this summer. This is the effect he has on people. Can I just climb in your lap, Robbie, and suck my thumb? or can I just climb on your back, and you carry me around? or can I just lean on you? Since R doesn't like talking on the phone, or e-mailing, it makes it tough when he's not physically around. So, I'm just saying it now and probably a lot more, WE WILL MISS YOU ROBBIE! and we'll miss your wisdom, your good spatial and decorating sense, and your HUMOR and your cooking and your strength. and your willingness to play anything, cards, tennis, Risk, Settlers of Catan. I guess it is time we shared you.

Let us Pray

This has been a week of letting go and saying goodbye. My parents returned to their home on Monday after a short visit. "Until we meet again." There was the funeral for our young airman on Tuesday. "A life snuffed out too soon." News about the execution in Georgia. "Respect Life." And reminders of the torture at Guantanamo perpetrated by our people. "Geneva Convention." Our third son took a job on Catalina Island for the summer so he will not be home. Pete listened to an economist in Sacramento ask the question:"Why are we building more prisons, paying prison guards $75,000 starting salary, and paying a starting teacher in our decaying public schools, half that?" Letting go of people and letting go of illusions about what passes for leadership... and again, I ask, what can I do? As my youngest said, once when he was about 4 years old, "Mom, mumembah? Pray? God?" With age comes forgetfulness, but also, comes enough losses and disappointment that one finally has to resort to the only One who ultimately cares and can do anything about it. Let us Pray.

a native son comes home

Sr. Airman who lost his life in Afghanistan due to a roadside bomb came home today. He was flown in from Travis AFB to Buchanan airport in Concord this morning at 11:30 a.m. His parents and his only brother were there to greet his body. An Air Force honor guard was there to lift the casket and carry it to the waiting hearse. A group of half a dozen veterans were there to hold American flags as the casket was marched past the small group of family and friends. The military members stood at attention and saluted. The civilians stood quietly with hands over hearts and those who had served in the military saluted as his flag draped casket went by. His mother, who was being held up by her younger son and by a dear friend, blew kisses. Is there any way sufficiently appropriate to honor the life of a native son, 24 years old, whose life was taken by a weapon like an IED? Let us all remain "semper fi" to the covenants into which we have entered. What else can we do? Commend his soul to God.

a nice sit down and a chat

For those of you who know me, there's nothing I enjoy more than a nice sit down and a chat. My idea of heaven is everyone having that "nice sit down" all together. Granted, that is not possible, really, because one can't have a good chat with more than a few people at one time. BUT, that's what heaven is for: to project one's dreams of what can't be here on to this place in the hereafter. However, this red couch placed in front of Harrod's is a step in the right direction . Next, we need to add a series of coffee tables set with a tea service oh, about every third person. While we're at it, add a city garden with some blossoming trees and blooming roses. Then, my grandmother steps up and we say, "pull up a chair!" and she does. That's one of my ideas of heaven. What is yours?

on the edge

I'm on the edge of something... an insight about my life as a military man's daughter. "Men's violence toward women"... mentioned in Women in Black's statement about themselves. Violence. There are all kinds of violence.. and I have negative reactions to some sorts of violence, but then I perpetuate them myself. For example, in the use of language, I may use "strong" words and frighten my listener. I'm interested in learning about non-violent speech and have resisted buying a book I saw on the subject. Why resistant? Because as I become more conscious, there's a chance that there will be created a greater divide between me and those around me. Then I might judge. That's the greatest violence I think I commit against others. Is there a path through this? I can invite God into this desire or, as one of my mentors suggests, name the intention at the beginning of my day. Then, check how I did at the end of the day.

jesus ascending

We were outside after dinner and Pete said, "Look, there's a cloud that looks like Jesus ascending." So, we all looked and we saw a cloud that looks like Jesus ascending. So, John ran into the house to find the camera and then Pete went inside to look for the camera and then three people took pictures of the cloud. I remarked, "Wouldn't it be something if that were really Jesus?" which widened my heart. Was the Ascension a one time event? or does it still happen in our experience? and what would it look like? In lieu of any other answer, I'll just enjoy the picture of the cloud that floated by my house on April 27, 2008. ... and wonder.

we're the grownups

My friend turns 50 today. My sister has been married 16 yrs as of today. My sister in law turns 51 today and my goddaughter turns 20 today. How can this be? It's one thing for me to be 50 and for us to be married 25 years, but it's another thing to have the people I love turning 50, etc. At this moment, I am aware that we really must "seize the day"... carpe diem, I guess I'm never really going to learn Latin or climb Mt. Everest or make out with Robert Redford. Which brings me to the realization that one of the goodies of being middle aged is that there is a nice peace in coming home to who one really is, and in appreciating where, in fact I am able to go for a walk and what I am able to communicate in the one language I'm mildly proficient in. I'm happy that I am kissing the same lips after 25 yrs too!! Back to seizing the day, which at this point looks like this: smell the star jasmine growing by the front door and the blossoms on our lemon trees, and watch the cilantro and tomatoes and kale grow in the garden. I'll ponder what it means to be the grown ups later.

is it love or money?

There's an expression: "Money makes the world go round"? or is it "Love makes the world go round"? I just paid a traffic ticket: $159. I wasn't being an intentional scofflaw, but misread street signs. Now I'm being punished. Ouch. The good news is that it won't go on my permanent record, or it won't count as points that will affect my insurance rates. OH! That makes me feel A LOT BETTER. There is NO MERCY. So, as I wrote my check to the Walnut Creek Superior Court, I said a little prayer: may the police officers who work to secure our safety and maintain the law in our neighborhoods be blessed and may they bless the people they serve. Amen. That feels much better than the other things that want to take up space in my person. and I really do mean it. I know a police officer and he deals regularly with messes. God help him.

time away

I can be transported to another place by a number of things: music, memories, meditation. When I was younger though I didn't have in my body a store of "places" ... and not being an introvert, I was left in the moment at the mercy of whomever and whatever was with me. This weekend our youngest is on retreat ... with his father and other parent/son pairs down in Los Altos. I'm hoping that the trepidation he felt about leaving home on his holy weekend will be answered with a discovery of "another place" and some new friendly faces, and mostly some memories with dad. One thing that I know about introverts is that they can use some time alone. I hope this doesn't backfire with our youngest introvert.

global papa

My grandmother turns 100 in July. She lives in her own home and she has beautiful white hair which currently is hiding five staples she is sporting after a fall where she hit her head in the middle of the night on the television console. She doesn't watch television anymore, because she said "there's no one to watch it with." We don't have cable television currently, so I tuned into the USCCB on the web to see some videos of our pope visiting in the US. He has beautiful white hair too. There is a sweetness about both my grandmother and our pope and it is good for me to exposed to them. I visited my grandmother last week and today I got to see the pope. I'm feeling young and humbled.

I'd rather dance

This morning our small faith group met and we spent most of our time together talking about our misery with our pastor. Familiar story. Because it is so familiar to us by now, we more readily slip into resolving our feelings more quickly. I wouldn't say we despair, we are dismayed though. We console ourselves with old answers too... because they are getting old after all these years. In the end, by golly, we turn to the forgiveness message that Jesus gave.... remember, forgive 70 times 7 times. I always hated that one. I'm hoping though, too, that while we're busy forgiving that the Spirit is at work in our Church and that like this video from YouTube, I'd Rather Dance by these Norwegian musicians... we will find new answers or hear different music that will free us to be our true selves, children of God. My boys showed me this video because they thought the male dancer reminded them of me when I was 40 lbs lighter. Nice. But, I am so tickled by the little girls and by their dancing.... I want their beauty and joy to be all of ours. and in the Church, maybe we could do less talking and more dancing, eh?

prayer buddies

Today I met with my small faith group... a group that changes color every time, because one of another of us can't make it due to life. Most of the members fall into the "retired" category, and ironically, seem to stay in one place less than the sun itself. It actually works out nicely in the sense that there's more room for individuals to share/talk as the group is rather small. I think we are enjoying group spiritual direction. We're mature enough that we are settled and quiet enough to really listen to the others' stories and just hold them. We know better than to try to provide solutions to problems or to need to tell an equivalent story from our own lives. Just listen. I am so grateful for my membership in this group.

boy dilemma

John came haltingly out of the shadows... he was TIRED. Explaining that he was in the middle of the night wide awake, he was hoping that he could sleep a little extra and go in to school late. He'd miss math, but he could turn in the homework tomorrow. The tennis team has a match today. (It's going to be a long day for a growing boy.. and he is growing.. an inch in the last month.) So, once again, I am invited to make this decision regarding John's participation in life. As a growing boy, an introvert, the youngest of four, it seems to me he likes to beg off a good chunk of life (except with the big boys which is nearly always fun). Am I encouraging that bowing out that he's already so good at? (Several Thanksgivings we've let him sit in the car to eat his turkey, so he could avoid the big table feast. e.g.) or Am I honoring this growing boy's need to recover from life that demands so much extroversion? and energy? Ay-yi-yi.

what now brown cow?

Standing ironing, thinking about what this time in between is about. The time between the Resurrection and the time when the Holy Spirit was received by the disciples and the Church was inaugurated. Why so long between? Imagine the disciples's whole selves absorbing within days and then weeks the crucifixion and then that devastation and then the resurrection and its unsurpassing joy. Then encountering Our Lord in their lives still. We are in the midst of that time. and it brings to me the awareness that this is the time to absorb the truth that life depends on God's mercy and that we can't live without Him. That life lived in the awareness of both the cross and the stone turned away and the empty tomb changes everything. No wonder I'm a little dizzy. The type and the color and la langue has changed. We must be patient with one another. We're suffering from spiritual spring fever.

Mother Mary

In the last 48 hrs. Mary, the mother of Jesus has "popped up"in my life. The youngest little person is Anna Maria DiMaggio here having a chat with Mary as the two stand in her family's garden. I found this picture in my friend, Darleen's, blog. Then in two separate women's faithsharing groups, two individuals urgently requested with a sigh, that the group pray a "Hail Mary". We fervently did so. I have had a sense too that Mary's presence and assistance is surely needed right about now. Within the Church there is a lot of disgruntle if not despair about leadership. Like a child who goes to her mother in an effort to understand Dad's laying down the law, maybe we are seeking Mary's maternal guidance during these days of wondering? where is Our Lord now? How many days til Pentecost?

Life at 50

IT's almost 4 in the morning and I'm wide awake. So this is menopause. What a drag. Everyone else in the world is asleep, getting rested and ready for a new day. I will have to wake up in 3 hrs to drive my youngest to the airport so that he can head south to visit his brother at college. College son has no classes for the remaining two days of this week. For what are we paying tuition? So that they can PLAY! and I'm jealous and that is because I haven't played in a while. Aha! That's what I must do soon.... after I get some sleep and have an attitude adjustment.

Sinners All

There's a lot of talk about sin lately. There's the governor of NY who's in big trouble right about now. There's the 7 new sins ineptly described by the media. What a surprise there. The sin of abuse by the Catholic clergy, the cost of which is untolled. I wrote my son a letter today thanking him for something he did about two years ago. He pointed out to me a sin of which I am guilty. He didn't use the word sin, but essentially that's what it is. You're dying to know what it is? maybe if you know me, you can take a wild guess. Anyway, I am truly thankful to him for pointing it out to me and I don't think it was really easy for him. What kid likes to tell his mother that she's coming up short? BUT, I heard him and am trying with the grace of God and the blessing he conferred by pointing out my "fault", to be aware of when I'm tripping into the red zone again. What if we did that for eachother more often, out of love for eachother? Maybe I could write a book: The Gentle Art of Pointing Out Eachother's Sin.

praying with the brothers

We drove into Oakland today to pray with the Dominicans at their priory. And let me say, "It was good." It was good to be with a fraternity of religious who are committed daily to prayer, chastity, teaching, poverty, obedience, am I leaving anything out? Some of the priests I've known for almost 30 years. They are still there, as Dominicans, living out their vocations, still preaching and showing up for liturgy on Sunday. My question as we were leaving Oakland was : how come I can appreciate so much the opportunity we have to pray with these men this week and then another week be exasperated with the fact that they are all men, students of philosophy and theology, and living outside of my world? Fr. Michael Sweeney talks about the need for the laity and the ordained to honor each other's distinct calling... one whose work is about conforming the world to the teachings of the gospel and the other to be administering the sacraments to the Church. Perhaps, the tension I feel is exactly what I tried to describe above and is due to the distinction Fr. Michael is making. We need to be with our people. which brings up my excitement about the cathedral... (I won't be thrilled to see dozens of priests on the altar).. but, because I can't wait to see our diocese in one place... let us be one.

more laundry

There in the background is the hum and twirl of the washing machine, reminding me of the never ending creation of dirt and my never ending need to clean. I'm wondering if I had to wash all my clothes and household linens by hand if I would somehow be more absolved of my sins? I'd be more aware of my own dirt, that is for sure. Throwing piles of whites into a machine, pouring liquid detergent into a little drawer and pushing that into the machine and turning a few knobs doesn't connect me to the work of really soaping, scrubbing, kneading and rinsing my body's detitrus out of my wearables. Scrubbing my own clothes might just leave me feeling tired and sore. If I washed by hand, I might discover the miracle of a thing made clean, and that I could facilitate that purification, by my own hand! This Lent, my small "faith group" is looking at the way of forgiveness... I can make things clean by joining Christ in making all things new... by forgiving. I'm going to handwash a sweater right now! and ask for God's grace to forgive....