saturday, January 7, 2011

The day after the calendar feast of the Epiphany and the day before the Church celebrates the feast of the Epiphany on Sunday. I walked our wise men/kings from one end of the book shelf to the manger scene yesterday morning. The walk was like the walk that I used to move Barbie across a floor or the Little Tikes people when I played with our boys' toys. Something in the gesture of tapping the bottoms of these plastic creatures tiny step after tiny step across the wood of this shoulder high book shelf finally reaching the place a few inches away from Mary and her baby and from the (in my imagination) smelly stable where the donkey and the cow rest near the holy family... evoked a quick series of sensations and thoughts. The smells of the place. The effort required of the three kings as they traveled to this place on camelback. The yearning of man throughout history for a Savior. The magic and miracle of seeing truly for the first time the tiny infant, newborn fresh from eternity .. a gift to us here already on earth. The joy of discovering for the first time the miracle of a child.. an awareness that this child is extraordinary.. and will reveal truth to us. about who we are.. children of God, all of us. Part of me wonders: does a child absorb or ingest on a spiritual level the hopes and dreams of its parents and its community. Does a child sense the deepest desires of its mother and father and then live into those dreams? and if a child is fed, emotionally, spiritually, physically and psychologically, does that child then have the freedom to embody and live out those yearnings and that vision? I know better than to credit the human family for all of its children's choices. There is the divine spark within each of us that inspires us to unique responses to the moment by moment callings. I'll call that God.. cuz that works for me. Back to the stable.. and the awestruck three kings... how lovely for Mary and Joseph to have company, and to have them admire their baby. How affirming to have the older generation seek out their child and discover in their very own child, baby Jesus, their hope fed. AS one priest said in this mornings video reflection: now the feast may begin! (The reading for today was about Jesus turning the water into wine at the wedding feast.) That little baby grew up to be that miracle worker... so that we could have endless joy.

Sunday, November 27

Good morning! It is a quiet day. The fog is in and the birds are staying quiet. I guess they are saving their voices until the air is warmer and dryer. Pete and I are staying quiet too. Two boys are still sleeping and we respect sleep: the great healer. Last night, I started feeling very empty and blue. I could feel the panic creeping back up. I told myself though this time that no, I'm not going to allow it to take over. And asked instead: what is my latest thought? That the boys are leaving again. And I am bereft. So, I challenged the thought with this one: oh, how lucky we are to have them had the home for thanksgiving! And what a great hike we had up in the marshes of suisun on Friday, and how nice it was to be with the family! In four weeks we will be all together. To celebrate Christmas . Look to the light, Katie ! To the light! Challenge the melancholy thoughts... I owe so uch to the brave women I know who have lived by this dictum..this season of advent I hope to be companioned by an ever growing light in anticipation of Christmas and I will pray for others who I know are similarly seeking light in their lives. "shine I our hearts, shine in the darkness...Christ be our Light!"

The gift of each day

Today is November 25th, a Friday , and the Friday after thanksgiving day. Today. It is all we have. In the past three- fourvmonths, I have experienced some significant losses that drive that truth home. To speak of them, particularly In writing seems unholy. A dear sister-like friend left this world in early October, my college roommate and friend learned that she her cancer has spread, and our baby moved away to college. At the same time i have experienced a breakdown...physical, emotional, psychological,spiritual. In this same time frame, I've enjoyed so much life too! Time with old friends, real conversation, deep prayer, cirque de soleil!, been on the receiving end of so much kindness, having learned some new life giving tools: meditation, fasting, more interior quiet. I have seen so many healers! A physical therapist, a behavioral cognitive therapist, my GP, my OB/Gyn., my chiropractor, the emergency room twice, my spiritual director, a friend who is studying the Twelve Steps, many women friends who generously shared their stories of living with an aging/changing body. I feel like I am in the middle of a dust devil or a storm. Hence the need for the interior stillness. I am so thankful for all who have helped me to seek that quiet with helpful tools like meditation . And always for Pete, who travels this path with me .. Lovingly and patiently. Thanks be to God.

monday, august 15th, feast of the assumption

Today is my sister in law's birthday and the Feast of the Assumption. One of the reflections I read this morning about this feast says that in the Book of Revelation there is a woman clothed in glory caught in the battle between good and evil. Mary personifies our humanity and in her relationship to her beloved son, she is closer than any of us to the source of our salvation. Her YES to motherhood and to the truth of her son's life, complete with suffering and death, was a supreme act of love. Many many mothers act out this generosity every day. The lucky child who has a mother who recognizes his/her unique and unrepeatable genius. Surely Jesus had that mother. Wouldn't it be funny though, if Mary had been the kind of mother who really didn't GET her child and who often found herself scratching her head and wringing her hands wondering what's with this kid? I'm inclined though to credit Mary with loving Jesus in just the way that allowed him to see clearly, to be free, (free enough to hearken himself to the call of God) , and to be fearless. I know too from experience that all mothers depend on their communities to foster a healthy environment for growing children. Today we celebrate a success story: a woman who raised her child to be a lover of humanity, one whose life was poured out in service to individuals in need of healing and wisdom and truth. Thank you Mary! Today I pray for all mothers who seek to love their children like Mary did her son. and maybe too I'll pray to recognize Mary as my own mother who loves all of us... a mother's love.

june 12, 2011

Road Trip! I remember taking a trip my freshman year of college. My friend, Sue Flickinger, and I headed from GRand Forks, North Dakota and drove due south through South Dakota and Nebraska all the way to Memphis and then east to Florida. Our destination was of course my grandparent's house in Winter Park, a suburb of Orlando. All I remember about the drive was the fact that we switched drivers, (it was her car or her brother's car) and that we could sleep in the back if we needed to. We didn't stop til we got to Memphis! where we hung out with her older brother and then presumably took a shower and slept. Then we drove all the way to Orlando. My grandparents welcomed us and we ate, showered and slept some more where in I enjoyed my first and only hallucinations. I closed my eyes, but all I could see were traffic lights and rear and headlights. It was a little disturbing, but hey, I'd asked for it! Other memories of that trip? we stayed in a beach house w/ Gammy and Grandfather at New Smyrna Beach and that we played bridge or cards with them. I know that I really appreciated the generosity and graciousness of my grandparents.. and I don't know what they made of the two of us. They didn't say anything about the fact that while playing cards, my friend Sue had a habit of making mouth noises when she had to play her cards. She and I got along really well, generally. But the mouth noises really got under my skin. Never said anything though. She was an ace otherwise. So our alpha and omega children are off on their adventure with a friend.. and they will be making their own memories. Via Con Dios, Tommy, Chris, and John.

June 10, 2011

My parents have been married 55 years today. I'm almost 55 years old and I can say that that is a lotta years. In today's gospel, Jesus asks Peter "Do you love me?" and Peter says "You know that I love you." and after three times asking Peter the same questions and Peter acknowledges that yes, he does love our Lord, then Jesus says: Feed my sheep. Peter would go on to spread the good news and in the end was a martyr in Rome. I wonder if Peter ever fished again? or if he abandoned that livelihood and depended on others to feed him as he worked to establish communities of believers. Pete and i met a young woman at the BART station Wednesday night. She had an enormous green backpack on her back and a day pack on her front and looked confused. She was looking for a shuttle that would take her to Amtrak. She had just flown in from Mexico, had taken BART to the Embarcadero in San Francisco, and despite the name -did not provide the embarkation place for her journey. So we tried to help her find her way.. and accompanied her across the Bay on BART to the Oakland City Center stop, where we wished her well.. and advised her to take a taxi if there was no shuttle there. She was headed to Klamath Falls. I hope she made it. Does that count as "feeding my sheep"? It felt like it.. and in the end, as she stepped off of the train, she said with the sweetest sincerity: "Love and Light to you both!" Amen. (Photo: Breton Bay at sunset, May 29, 2011)

June 9, 2011, Thursday

Pictured: the view from my grandparents' and now my sister Jennie's home taken May 29, 2011.
We saw "The Tree of Life" last night in San Francisco. It was a mindbender. I think I need to see it again and again. In order to fully appreciate and see the artistry of the filmmaker, I need to see again the images and listen to the whisperings and the music and the very minimal dialogue. I had a personal experience of "the tree of life". Pete and I were walking through Muir Woods a year ago or so. There was a light mist..we were wearing our raincoats. Along the wooden path we stopped to admire a circle of redwoods to our right just off the trail. The trees in the middle were the lowly remnants of once "parent" trees. Around them soared the offspring of these trees. It hit me in a flash that we, Pete and I , are like those trees in the middle, who started something with our children. We will diminish as they grow tall and strong. We will die and they will flourish and the cycle will continue. In that moment, I received this as a gift.. that while sometimes I am bereft at
"losing" the boys, the truth is much bigger than that.. that I am a part of a living story that will continue and that we have done our parts and that we remain fixed in that ground together as parents of our children... nothing will change that. When Tommy was born one miracle that struck me then was that this newborn would be OURS forever. He was OURS. to love and to cherish. I was cemented (planted) now in time forever. and the tree of life continues to grow.